Christmas. where we all return to the place of our birth and fix our parents’ computers. My dad finally let me touch his computer. Not because he finally agreed to let me install backup software or a password manager for him, though: He couldn’t install Firefox on his Mac, because Firefox said his OS was too old.

Turns out, he was still running Lion.

So I go to the App store, thinking I should upgrade him to Sierra. “Dad, what’s your Apple ID?” “What does one of those look like?” “Never mind, you’ve never installed anything on this computer since you won it in that raffle years ago. We need to create a new one, I guess”. He has literally only used it for Skype since Lion came out.

Safety First

Create Apple ID, confirm email, answer security questions. “Dad, who was your first friend in high school?” “Dunno.” “What was the name of your first pet?” This is followed by a long story about that time his hamster stole my grandma’s cake, but he has no memory of what the beast was called. moving on… Install macOS Sierra. takes an hour or so? Mac keeps going to sleep and needs waking up.

More Updates

computer reboots, app store says “we have updates!”. I select the firmware update. “dad, do you even use iMovie and iPhotos?” “Nuh, what are those?” “let’s update them anyhow, to get rid of the red notification popup” “Hi! I’m the microsoft updater, and need to install a very important security update for Office 2011!” “OK, go ahead!” Although, why is this a separate updater outisde the app store? Is Microsoft too good for Apple’s walled garden? “Your new firmware is installed, do you want to reboot now?” “No, Microsoft is still updating shit. wait a mo”

Revenge of the Apple ID

okay, microsoft is happy, reboot for firmware upgrade and wait. rebooted, app store still wants to install new iMovie/iPhoto versions. okay… “Enter your Apple ID” okay. “that apple ID cannotbe used to update this software, because reasons” “why, google?” “it was probably pre-installed, and accepted by another Apple ID”. “Dad, did anyone else set up this computer for you?” “it came pre-installed with everything” “okay, fuck it, let’s install firefox”

Mission accomplished?

Firefox installed, start it. “this extension (toolbar for his webmail service) is not supported by your version of firefox. please install our partner-branded version of firefox instead” goddamnit. a toolbar that’s telling me not to use the stock firefox? what has science wrought!?

Of course, every future problem that he has with this computer is now my fault, especially once he loses the Post-It with his new Apple ID password, and macOS starts prompting him for it on a daily basis. Good thing he uses a PC for any “real” work.